Well. i don't know if there's really much to write about today. i'm starting to go into a routine of school. do my work, talk as little as possible, stay out of trouble, serve detentions, go to lab, and maybe to soccer. i really don't want to go to soccer. i don't know why. i'm already doing hyr, and i'm referring. i want to exercise once a day though. and that was a good workout, just not at that time. not a good time.

i feel very adulterish today. i've cleaned the kitchen. and i've taken care of myself. mom is never home anymore. she's gone more than she used to be. she left around 7. and she left around 10 last night, and got home around 6 this morning. then she got on the computer to study some more. i feel kinda bad for her. but..i ono. she hasn't gone to school in forever, and i've been doing it for years. this friday i'm going to a trinity game i guess. ellie's going too. then she's coming over to my house. matt's dad has forbidden him to talk to me. he doesn't listen to his dad.

my throat hurts. a lot. i took allergy medicine and all the drainage has gone to my throat and it hurts. a lot. it hurts to swallow.

"you say its ur birthday"
i like that song

andrew's birthday is this friday. its his sweet 16. dad's planned a surprise party. i wonder how suck-ass its gunna be. this weekend i'm also going to mari's party. i wonder how thats gunna turn out. its gunna be fun. i wonder who all is going.

i want my flute to be fixed. i feel sad that i can't play it right. i'm gunna see if i can take lessons from the person that ellie takes lessons from. i need to go get it tuned.

this year is gunna be busy. i have a boyfriend on top of all of it. i wonder how im' going to balance everything. its going to be interesting. hard. but i think i'll handle it. i might have a few breakdowns, but i'll be to busy for drama in my life. and maybe i'll keep a 'steady' boyfriend. thats my goal for me. to make my relationship as normal as possible. as possible... *smile* normal isn't really my strong point. but thats ok.

i feel so old. i feel like i've lived a hundred years. i feel mature. i keep going over the things i need to get done soon. i feel oooold.


i'm gunna go. i'm rambling...

eve

My Secret

You look at my wings...

And I spread them for you...

You see how dark they are, that they're black...

You look into my eyes and I look into yours...

And I see your soul begging to be saved...

I open my arms and offer you comfort...

Surprisingly you run towards me...

The hug seems to stop time and last forever...

But for the first time I feel happy...

I know I shouldn't feel happy with you in my arms, but I do...

Even if you're a secret...

You're my secret...

I whisper in your ear that I have to leave...

But I don't want to go...

'Cuz your vulnerable, and that makes me happy...

You make me promise to come back...

As we hug for the last time...

I cover you with my wings...

And I feel you're vulnerable...

And I feel happy, that you trust me...

I leave through your window...

And I know I'll keep an eye on my secret.

august 18, 2005

high school is hard. i didn't think it would be this hard. it's not mentally hard yet. it's just confusing. i missed 2 of my classes yesterday (english and dance) and i missed half of algebra. so i had to take the test they had in class after school. at least i figured out my locker combination and i think i've got it almost memorized. in high school there isn't a teacher telling you where to go, but at least they let you go where you want and they don't question. thats what i hated about highland. always, there was a teacher who told you where to go, and we were all in groups, so we were all hered from place to place like cows. here , nobody really has the same schedule, or its very rare. rose and alyssa are in my science class. josh and steph are in my algebra class. wes is in my dance calss. so i know a few people. i like being new tho. in lunch on mon, i was gunna just sit by myself. or i would've, but this one girl looked really sad and so i sat with her. and it turned out she didn't have any lunch money, so i gave her some. then celest a senior sat by me cuz i was alone. so it ended up me giving celest my lunch cuz i couldn't eat it with my braces. i knew celest sat by me cuz i was alone and i was a lonely freshman. i wanted to sit alone tho. i wouldn't have minded really...

i wonder how ellie, izzy, sarah, and everyone else are doing in their schools. i havn't talked to any of them in a long time it feels. i miss them a lot. i miss going to school with them. tion was in almost all of my classes last year. ellie was in both of my r.a. classes and i sat next to her in both. i think i miss her the most. i especially imss her now since we're not really talking like we used to. well. we're talking and all, but we're still not like we used to be. sarah, i've never had any clases with, only recees in 6th grade, and lunch. so...yeah... but i sitll miss listening to her telling me about her school on the phone. she would tell everything like it was a story. i love it. izzy i miss and dont' miss. i'm still kinda mad at her for being secretive and quiet. but i guess thats just how she is. but i don't feel like she's really my best friend anymore

i don't really miss the people in my class (except tion) because i coudln't wear what i'm weraeing here without someone commenting about how weird i look. right now i'm wearing my purple hippie skirt and sarah's french-fry foamy shirt and a grey-blue faded manual hoodie. i can be who i want here without everyone call me a freak because im not the only one wearing what i want. there area lot of people here who are indidviduals...except their not individuals cuz they're all individuals together...ah. w/e.

i love being what i am now. i can change my style and i don't care what they thing. i dont' know why i don't care anymore. around ellie i always feel diminished. she takes my personality kinda. its just, i feel like i can't like the same stuff as her, or do anything like her, or i feel like i'm copying her and i'm afraid people will notice and say i'm just a poser. josh said that i look like ellie cuz i'm wearing hippie skirts. and ellie's the queen of hippie skirts. and i have more hippie skirts than her. and izzy has more than me. but ellie's special cuz she has 2... but its not my fault that i hear what she listens to and like it. i guess i'm just pissed that she's the one that finds the good music/clothes/etc first. i don't know, it just irritates me.

the sad thing about manual is that i have the DM's and i compare everyone to them. there's this girl holly who's ok i guess. but she seems to needy for a friend. she also talks a lot. she's kinda ugly, which i think is why she makes herself look punk or goth or w/e she is. i'm not trying ot be mean, its just what i think..

then there's martha. i met her on the soccer team. she's latino-american. she's nice and happy and kind adn stuff. but she seems to care to much of what people think of her. but she's nice. she's just a friend tho. i coudln't be really good friends with her.

then there's steph. she's my best friend at school. she's nice and fun. the only thing is she's homophobic.. i met her a long time. when i got my physica.

i think grace is a lost cause. oh well. i'm not worried about it. i diddn't know her all too well.

mental note- bring some sort of pain medication to school

i'm starting to like a few guys. about 5 of them are ok. then there's nathan. he's cute and funny, very funny. he's a drama major. and a freshman and sits in front of me in my algebra class...yah. i want him. and he likes me i think...woot


i would write the rest of this. i wroet 6 pages of stuff during study hall yesterday. but i'm to lazy to write it. maybe i will tonight. or something.

adios

mrowr

i feel so much like writing. ppl think i'm crazy for it.

i got cory to promise to answer my questions truthfully. i feel accomplished. now only if he'll do it...he hasn't reponded.


i hope he does. it'll make me happy.

he asnwered them..in a backwards kinda way

oh well...i tried.

i'm in a good mood. don't know why.

my left arm hurts. the muscle. it hurt last week too...don't know why. all my muscles hurt kinda...

oh well. i think i may be in love with the guy who loves me...i always knew he did..but i duno..i'm just to stupid to see it..but...i'm just...so happy right now. i'm almost sure its because of that. oh god...i'm so...just so happy.

loves to all
lizzie

what the fuck is wrong with me. i apologize for me being such a bitch the past day. its due to period and fed upness.

but to save you all i'll be leaving.

i'll be back around when school starts, or later. please don't call. cuz i won't be home

i don't care what u think of me anymore

i just love parties. i love them as much as i like chat rooms and amusement parks.

gah. i felt like crying as soon as i got in the car. but i just couldn't so i just had ellie turn up the music. it helped a tad. parties stress me out cuz everyone's all hyper, and bitchy, and nobody is really happy unless they're dense. i guess i'm also really tired. that couldn't have helped. i kinda yelled at the party. i just lost it. i needed everyone to shut up and just stop.

and matt keeps on smiling

the only time he's happy is when i'm not. i don't get it.


i feel like i'm not really friends with sarah or ellie or izzy anymore. all the time ellie callls me a bitch. just for being demanding and impatient. and i can't help it. i try not to be. but i guess i just am a bitch. and then sarah is so happy with sam. and he is so infuriating. not sure why. i'm just a jealous friend. which is so stupid. i shouldn't be, which makes me madder. then izzy won't tell me anything anymore. i feel like she's just kinda disappearing from my life. and i'm making new fri ends that i have to be a whole new person with. i can't just be myself. i'm afraid i'll have no friends. but i guess if i want to make friends i like, i should just be myself.

tomorrow is orientation. as ellie said, summer is over. school is starting in a week.

i want school to start. i want to do well in school. this is my new chance. my chance to be different and new. to just be who i want to be. to start over. make new friends, that whole thing. too bad people are going there i alraedy know.

one year six months...what happened. half a year into 7th grade. i was trying to fit in. i was friends with hilary. but then she ditched me.

i had no friends


xoxo

liz

so you want to know why sarah's mom is a whore? oh. goodness. i'm sorry sarah if i don't say everything. these are just the basics. ok. she had sarah from a guy she met in high school and went out with . so sarah's a love child. she had ali with this guy, then married his little brother and had 2 more kids. then they got divorced. now she has a million boytoys and she doen't have a job so she's living with her mom. and she left her family to go with a guy to lexington for 3 days leaving the kids with sarah. then a couple days ago she and 'biker larry' are maybe planning to move to florda just cuz biker larry wants to. and take the kids.

thats just briefly explaining some of it. you havn't heard some of the talks amy (the mom) and i have had... sex, drugs, etc.

scary

liz

so many bad things are happening.
sarah's mom is a whore.
alyssa is making my ellie sad.
ellie is just sad in general.
tion is gah.
matt is even gahier.
and then there's dion. and he's gah right now.
the only person i'm not frustrated with is kota for the moment.
i have spacers in, and my head hurts.
i threw up in soccer today. my body hurts.
i'm under a ton of stress.
i had little sleep.
i'm listening to the rubber soul beatles cd. over and over...good memories. but it still depresses me.

why do i feel like crying. i've wanted to cry for a long time. but i just can't seem to. i havn't cried for a month...or longer (except when ginger died. but that was the only time).i really want to...i'm so close to it. but not a single tear will come out. they just linger there, right in reach. but not enough. none of this can make me cry. why is this?

ellie...

baby pictures!!

the first one is me with blonde hair. i was in minnesota relaxing by a lake. it was square lake i think.

the second one is me and my cousin...i feel so ugly in these pictures...

7 Types of Intelligence - Which is yours?
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goodbye ginger

Yesterday afternoon my dog died. i still can't believe its true. i keep remembering everything about her. the way when i was young i would dress her up and put her in a big baby carriage and wheel her around. i would try and chase her around the front yard and never succeed. she was always too fbast and too smart. then i also remember how she would lay under the chairs downstairs in the lobby and watch the other dogs come in and she would play with them. then she got older and she would bite my cousins. they were always afraid of her. she never bit me in my life. even when i was younger. they never got to see the good part of ginger that i loved. then about 3 weeks before school ended, she got ran over by a car. a sunday morning at 9 am. they called my house and i was the one who picked up the phone. i didn't want to becaues i was too tired. but i did. and they told me my dog had been run over. i ran outside and found her in the middle of the road. bleeding. her arm completely ruined. i had some lady who lived nearby take me in her jeep to the emergency vet hospital. there mom met up with us and ginger was put on lots of pain medication and lots of shock medication. she was actually doing very well for a dog of her age and her size. and she wasn't freaking out like most dogs do. but then dad wouldn't take gingre for some dumbass reason. so dad eventually took her the next morning, but didnt look at her for 3 hours. then he said he's going to have to amputate her leg because it was too late to fix it. it was too late cuz he left her in a cage and didn't yhelp her for three fucking hours. i won't ever forgive my dad for killing my dog that day. after he amputated her leg, she got really skinny and didn't eat much. but then after 3 weeks she started doing better. she was doing really well for a whil. then in the past week she stopped barking, and she stopped walking around. last thursday night i let her sleep in my room. i'm so glad i actually did. it makes me feel good. it was the night i stayed up with her til 2 am cuz she wouldnt sleep. i finally carried her up to my room and let her sleep on my clothes. then saturday i saw her and i tried to help her walk from the sunroom to the living room. but then andrew started yelling at me so i walked to him instead. now i wish i would've carried her all the way to the kitchen. or wherever she wanted. i feel so bad. thats the last thing i did to her. i left her. i walked away from a dying dog. i feel so horrible. mom called me yesterday and told me she died. we were going to kill her today anyways. at least she died on her own now. instead of us killing her. i would never forgive mom if she killed ginger. i'm going to miss her so much. she was my only pet for so many years. and i've known her since she was born.

when she was 2yrs old she was left in a box at the movie rental place in corydon. she had 2 broken back legs. they took her to my dad and my dad fixed her back legs. she then learned how to walk with broken legs, on a weird handstand like way. she kept up her spirit and she got better. mom fell in love with her and kept her. rita, a worker for us, named her ginger. then when i was 10 she had surgery on her hips, i don't know why, but she did. and apparantly that was supposed to help her. she was very strong and she lived through that. which is amazing

i'm never going to forget my dog. she was my first one ever. i have pictures of her. and someday i'm going to post thm on here. i didn't want her to die. for the past 2 yaers i've been thinking of her dying. and it always made me tear up. how could she just be gone like this. i don't understand. i feel so bad i didn't yget to say goodbye to her. i don't know what i'm going to do without her.