I woke up this morning around 10 30. walked into the kitchen and found tea and crumpets. Sarah and i went out to the porch where there was a nice breeze to wake us up. My mother came out to accompany us around 11 with her own cup of tea. She then offerd to take us to the mall to buy new outfits. We of course took the opportunity and went shopping for hours on end. Since we are, humbly rich, we bought many outfits, but more for my sarah darling. Then we went to Jack Fries for a wonderful Dinner which we had very expensive roast duck and lobster. Then we flew to a concert in our private jet. in all it was a wonderful day. don't you agree?

guys. i really do not like cory. i feel the same way i did about izzy and ellie. i wanted them to be my friends. really badly. its an intuition kind of thing. i can't help it. i love matt. i think. and i'm really confused about the whole thing. i just don't want anyone saying that i like cory. cuz i know who i like. and i know my feelings about crushes more than i do about any other feeling of mine. trust me. i know how i work better than most other people. sarah knows me better than i know myself, and she knows i don't like him. everybody else GAH.

my weekend thing

Ok...well. sunday i spent the day with cory. mon i spent the day being bitchy and talking to people online because my dad woke me up at 8. then i went ot sarah's around 6 or so. and we stayed up til 1 talking. like old times. it was quite fun.

today.

This morning sarah woke me up around 11. first thing out of my mouth was chocolate. i really wanted something with chocolate. so we had chocolate cake and leftover chicken for breakfast. then we went over to gam's house and called sam and asked him to hang out around 2. i took a shower. then amy took us to emery's (ice cream place downtown corydon) and surprisingly cory was there... it was odd. i kinda got wierded out for a moment. like my stomache went wierd. i think it was more because i panicked cuz amy looked at me like.. oooh cory's there. ur lover. blady blah blah... i might be giving off the image that i'm in love with him or something..who knows. I dont like him like him. my first thought of him was wow. he's awesome. he's the starlight of this place. (i was in a grungy little tavern for a concert...yeah) and he stood out. i wanted him. i just picked him out of the crowd of someone i wanted. i'm not sure if i ever sexually wanted him. i just knew i had to have him. as mine. don't ask how my mind works. and so ever since that i've wanted his approval. i've always liked him in a way that he's so awesome i have to have him as someone to be friends with. a best friend. i needed him. it was completly unconscience. and so when i want something like that. (i felt the same way with izzy and ellie and jake, and issy, and sarah...although its not as clear in my mine...memory problems) so since 'im liz. i had to have him. so i got him. and now i feel guily cuz izzy likes him. and i'm just better friends with him. because i'm a people person and i just make friends easily. but i'm only his friend. i just really want to be a good friend with him. i don't mean to be obsessive or anything. sarah is his groupie. ellie is THE ellie. and izzy is his crush. so i guess i'm his best friend. but i don't know what he thinks of me. i need to find out. cuz if he sees me as soom annoying freshman who he can't get rid of. i'm outta here. i don't beg. i hope... so i need sarah to find out what he thinks of me. cuz i'm afraid he's lie ot me if he felt sorry for me. if he thought i was just some lonely girl. who knows what he thinks of me. i just want to find out. cuz i think of him as a friend, but i'd like to be really good friends with him. someone to talk to. i ono. i just had to get that all out of my head.


the thing with matt. i wrote him a letter. i guess since i've shown it to a lot of people already, i should post it on here. here it is:

hey. i made this email address for you because i didn't feel like posting on blogs and some days i just want to write you a letter. maybe habit from school. i don't know. I was up really late last night. my dad turned on the alarm while i was downstairs so i had to run to get upstairs before i got locked down here. But when i went upstairs and my dad went to bed. i was crying. i was so lost. i kept wondering around my house sobbing. and i went out onto the roof and layed for about an hour. i was so lonely and lost. i couldn't figure out why i broke up with you. i cant remember my reasoning. I started reading this book I hate you - Don't leave me. about borderline disorders. its describes a lot of traits of me. so that consoled me for a while. but now i'm thinking i don't really have a disorder. not yet. i just get very confused about my identity. so i try to play new roles. and i constantly think i'm 'faking it' and i feel like i'm cheating you out of something. so maybe it was real love, i don't know. but i'm pretty sure i've never cried as much for someone as i have for you. I think i do love you. but i am going to take a break for a while. i think it might be good for my mental health. i just can't see me being without you.
i think i need love and comfort which you've been giving me. but talking about the future scares me. it makes me want to run away. Also i feel that i was spending to much time with you and i was neglecting my time with my friends and stuff. so thats kinda my fault. i was so worried about making you happy by being with you the whole time, i was seriously neglecting ellie and sarah. thats the reason i didn't go to the movies with you on fri. I really do love you i think. i just need some time to figure out my identity. and i need time to regain my friendship with ellie and sarah. but i would like to keep you as a boyfriend, but also do that. i'm just not sure if that's possible. so maybe i said i broke up with you, but i was thinking i just need a break, i don't want to say its over, i just want some time to be independant. so if we could do that... it would be great. but maybe i'm asking to much. or focusing to much on me. i don't mean to. but thats what i've been thinking. i'm writing it down the best i can. ellie's a much better writer than me. but i've figured out, you still love me even though i'm messed up, and stupid, and i make mistakes, and i'm just not a perfect person. u still tolerate me. which is amazing in itself. i just have days like that. where i completely lose a sense of identity and i feel that its because of something. but that was the first time i did anything about it. cuz i talked to ellie about it. its not her fault. she just helped me figure out stuff.
i don't know if i want to try it again. you might just have to live with someone who changes her mind a lot. i'm not good at making decisions. i'm not good at understanding myself. but i'm not good at listening to other people. i might just be a contradiction in words. or just lost. but i think i love you still. and i want you to know that we can work it out.

liz


so thats it. i think it was good of me to take a break from him. i just wish i could've said i just wanted a break. i don't want ot break up with him for good. i don't think i ever did. but i took drastic measures. i just need a break to find myself and to figure out what i want. its summer. i can do this. i don't need ot be tied down. i've been trying not to think of him. i cried so much sunday night. for 3 hours straight. it felt so good/bad to cry. i was sobbing. more than i cried for tony. i was so helpless. i kept wandering (running) around my house looking for some consolance, and i cuoldn't find one. i couldn't get to a phone, or a computer. all i had was my music. so i sat out on the roof. it was so horrible. i was so lost and confused. i just needed to get out. which is why that day (sunday) i rode along with cory everywhere for about 4 hours because i needed to get away from being alone. from myself. if i let myself be alone for 6 hours, i would've been very destructive. i would've ended up doing something stupid. i don't know what. i just couldn't believe i was such an idiot. so i needed to not think about it. but now i wish i would've talked to matt more. to figure out some understanding between us. i hate that we had to stop talking that night. i hate that i was forced to get off. but i did get to say i loved him. it made me so sad. thats probably why i cried so much. i'm not going to see him for 4 weeks. at least. its a very long time. i feel horrible.


lots of love,
liz

ellie n liz

liz : ellie
liz : why are u mad at me?
ellie miller: yes?
ellie miller: because i feel like i have to compete with matt for you
liz : oh
liz : i'm learning how to compramise time and stuff
liz : its hard
liz : i'm only 14 remember
liz : please don't be mad at me
liz : i love you
ellie miller: and you said that you cared about me more than him that one time and then you go and never defend me when hes around and uhgh
liz : i'm sowwy
liz : i really am
ellie miller: it pisses me
ellie miller: off
liz : i'm getting pulled in so many different ways. i don't mean to neglect you. i'm so sorry
ellie miller: i start to ahte matt because i feel like hes taking you away from me and eh doesn't ge tit
ellie miller: hwo youd ratehyr spend time with him than me
liz : i'm sorry. i really am
liz : liz : i had a moment. sarah's mad at me again because iwont go to her house tomorrow...er today. fri. w/e. and she's mad at me cuz i'm spending the day with matt instead because i wont get to see him for a month. and i'll see her on sat. and i'm gong to nc with her for a couple days. so i don't see why she's making a big deal about it. and ellie's mad at me i think. and i just can't take it. i started crying. so instead of crying i ran. yeah. ellie's mad at me. gah. and i want to just cancel the thing with matt. and go with ellie and sarah to sarah's house. but i'm afraid matt will be so mad at me.. and its the last time i'll see him for a month. and i just don't know what to do.
liz : thats what i wrote to cory
ellie miller: i know you want to be with matt, but then you invite me and i feel like you dragged me along as an obligation adn it makes me feel so fuckin alone and im the thrid wheel and you always spend so much more time with him and then this... shti happens to me and i try to get you to help me but you don't understand my point of view
liz : i do understand ur point of view. very well
liz : have u read my livejournal?
ellie miller: but you argue with me and tell me to try anyway but i don't want to but i do at the same time and you are pushing me and i cant take all these people, why can't thigns just be simple again and whyt eh hell am i fucking crying SHIT
liz : darling. if you don't want my advice. why do you ask me? im trying to help you. as i told you before. i try to make things better. and i end up screwing them up. and i'm so sorry. i can understand why u don't want to get into a relationship. i know how u feel perfectly. but i really think that he won't hurt you. but he will. i can't lie. he will sometime hurt you. not on purpose though. it might not be for a year. but he probably will. but i think its worth it. maybe you and i have differnet ideas on that. i think its worth it. i think that the good memories in the long run, are much better than the bad ones. but maybe you only see the bad parts
ellie miller: when i want your advie, i expect thign that will make me feel better, things that will protect me form myself, things that wont make me cry.
ellie miller: like now
liz : i never promised you that.
liz : but i will comfort you
liz : and i only want you to be happy
liz : i don't want to hurt you
ellie miller: but thats what i want. i want to be happy, i don't want ot hurt, even if it means not loving. i want to shine again, not hide. i want it all to go back
liz : and i think that you will be happier if you don't dwell on ur hurt. if you give mack a chance. i think he'll make you shine
ellie miller: i'm so confused when i'm around him. i know he loves me, and he treats me like i want to be treated but i don't know if i could love himback, and i would hurt him, and i'm so sick of all this hurting and this summer is just shit. if i were to go out with mack, i know i would fall in love, and sure, id be happy for a few days or weeks or whatever. but then one day, id be looking through my pictues or notes or notebook, and id remember the chaos the love was born from, and it would tear me up
liz : do u want to not have emotion?
liz : cuz thats what it seems like
ellie miller: because it hurts
ellie miller: everyday
ellie miller: it just hurts
liz : we have diff view on this. i don't mind the hurt. i don't like it. but i think its a part of life. you go through it your whole life. either u tough it out and still go fall in love. or you shy away from it and live a life in fear of hurting. which makes you hurt more because you dwell on what you fear
ellie miller: i fall asleep crying some times, adn some times, i wake up and cry some more. i cry in the middle of the day. i'm so sick of hurting liz. WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME? WHY DID THEY MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY AND TORTURE ME?
liz : they don't mean to. nobody means to hurt someone this way.
liz : its ok to cry. its ok to feel the pain. its part of what makes you human. but there's a period of mourning for a lost love, and then you have to get over it and move on with your life. its a lot like a death. except the person is still there..
ellie miller: I'm trying to get over everything, but it's not working. Ill be sitting there, and all of a sudden, ill start thinking, "What did shrimp do with one of those girls on the cruise? did he kiss her, did he hold their hand, did he whisper into her ear that he loved her, did he touch her? where did he touch her? HOW did he touch her? does he still remember me?
ellie miller: does he hurt AT ALL?"
liz : guys are a lot different. even if they do hurt. they won't show it.
ellie miller: and then i know that ill never be loved the same way again
liz : they wont tell people
ellie miller: and it kills me
ellie miller: because i loved the way i was loved
liz : every love is different
ellie miller: i know.. i know, liz. but to me, that was the way i want to be loved, but it wont ever happen again. ever...
liz : i know dear. im sorry. but you will find someone new
liz : someone who will love you better
ellie miller: liz.. i don't think there was a better love than that. he loved me before i loved him
liz : ...
liz : but he broke ur heart
liz : the best love loves you unconditionally and will not leave you
liz : for anything
ellie miller: i know. i know he broke my heart. but i want it tobe fixed before i give it away again
liz : i can understand that
liz : can you tell mack that tho?
liz : could he just be a good friend who comforts you?
ellie miller: i try, but then he gets all sad
liz : he can't help but love you
liz : but he loves you enough that i think he wants the best for you
ellie miller: he wants more than that, liz, he wants so much from me.. so much more than what i'm willing to give
ellie miller: so much more than what i have of myself
liz : now i think ur exaggerating a little bit
liz : you have a full heart
ellie miller: it doesn't feel like it
liz : its just been used. so you need time to replenish it before it shows again
ellie miller: i don't think hes willing to wait, and when i'm around him, i can tell, and i feel like im goin to be swept up, and its exciting and amazing but i know i can't
ellie miller: i just can't
liz : thank you
liz : now i know everything..see i wasn't getting the whole story
liz : ok now that i know more about the whole thing. u really arn't ready for a new love yet. cuz he will let you down. and you'll crash
ellie miller: i've already crashed liz.
ellie miller: crashed and burned
liz : you'll recooperate
liz : just give it time
liz : it takes some people longer than others
ellie miller: with scars. ill heal with scars. i'm not as tough as i once was
liz : i envy you
liz : even though you may hate it. you feel all these emotions
liz : and i can only taste them
ellie miller: one taste, liz, and you die. you never get back up
liz : i only get a little bit of it. you actually are washed up in the feelings
liz : i can see what you have. i can catch a glimpse of it. but i have put up a wall from the feelings cuz i'm scared. and i don't want that wall. i want to feel it. but every time i get close enough to feel it i get scared and make the wall higher
ellie miller: what I have? WHAT I HAVE? i have tears, i have scratches and scars, and, and blood. i kill people, i kill myself, i kill the words i write and the songs i sing and i stab at everything that is beautiful. i burn, i cry, i die
ellie miller: thats all it is
ellie miller: thats all its ever been
liz : but you still feel it. you dont' know what its like to be a statue on the side.
liz : to just watch everyone else be able to love and live and cry and feel.
ellie miller: but you don't know what its like to die
ellie miller's status is now "outside". (6/24/2005 3:49 AM)

liz : i don't know whats its like to live

wow. i have a busy life i guess. this morning when i woke up i went to mary T and worked out in the gym for an hour, then did laps for an hour. then i went home and took a shower. then i went furniture shopping for my room. i finally get furniture. i've never really had furniture. just other people's old furniture. then we stopped at a vet's hospital but it smelled bad so we left. then we went to a karate place. so i might be starting karate. to learn self defense. at about 6 i'm going to seneca for soccer practice for an hour. i'm doing design and production next year. and swimming. and soccer. and marching band. and karate, and piano, and mary t, GOD how the hell am i supposed to fit this all in???

i hate it when i can't do everything i want. i just wonder how i'm going to fit everything in when school starts...i'll try. but i have no promises...if mary t opens at 5...i could go before school. which would be awesome. maybe i can get a ride from alex some days...when i get a car i'll be so happy...i love my kitty. he slept with me last night. it was soo sweet. i love him.


life is active, if only i was too,
liz

my day from an outsider's point of view

this morning i planned on going blueberry picking. but we didn't. instead gina, mom, ellie and i went to java and then shopping. i got 3 pairs of pants and a shirt, then we went to lunch and home. we picked up cory from the fairgrounds. then we went to lakeside. nikki, matt, ellie, tangerine, and izzy were there. we had fun. although cory had to leave early. nikki, ellie, and tangerine went over to my house. tangering is very intuitive. i was on the phone with matt for a bit. then i cleaned part of my room. then i got on the phone with cory. and now i'm talking to cory and izzy online. mom and joe might be back together. he's sleeping over again. mom needs to decide about him. its getting repetitive.


i don't feel like posting my feelings. but i had many different ones today.