august 18, 2005

high school is hard. i didn't think it would be this hard. it's not mentally hard yet. it's just confusing. i missed 2 of my classes yesterday (english and dance) and i missed half of algebra. so i had to take the test they had in class after school. at least i figured out my locker combination and i think i've got it almost memorized. in high school there isn't a teacher telling you where to go, but at least they let you go where you want and they don't question. thats what i hated about highland. always, there was a teacher who told you where to go, and we were all in groups, so we were all hered from place to place like cows. here , nobody really has the same schedule, or its very rare. rose and alyssa are in my science class. josh and steph are in my algebra class. wes is in my dance calss. so i know a few people. i like being new tho. in lunch on mon, i was gunna just sit by myself. or i would've, but this one girl looked really sad and so i sat with her. and it turned out she didn't have any lunch money, so i gave her some. then celest a senior sat by me cuz i was alone. so it ended up me giving celest my lunch cuz i couldn't eat it with my braces. i knew celest sat by me cuz i was alone and i was a lonely freshman. i wanted to sit alone tho. i wouldn't have minded really...

i wonder how ellie, izzy, sarah, and everyone else are doing in their schools. i havn't talked to any of them in a long time it feels. i miss them a lot. i miss going to school with them. tion was in almost all of my classes last year. ellie was in both of my r.a. classes and i sat next to her in both. i think i miss her the most. i especially imss her now since we're not really talking like we used to. well. we're talking and all, but we're still not like we used to be. sarah, i've never had any clases with, only recees in 6th grade, and lunch. so...yeah... but i sitll miss listening to her telling me about her school on the phone. she would tell everything like it was a story. i love it. izzy i miss and dont' miss. i'm still kinda mad at her for being secretive and quiet. but i guess thats just how she is. but i don't feel like she's really my best friend anymore

i don't really miss the people in my class (except tion) because i coudln't wear what i'm weraeing here without someone commenting about how weird i look. right now i'm wearing my purple hippie skirt and sarah's french-fry foamy shirt and a grey-blue faded manual hoodie. i can be who i want here without everyone call me a freak because im not the only one wearing what i want. there area lot of people here who are indidviduals...except their not individuals cuz they're all individuals together...ah. w/e.

i love being what i am now. i can change my style and i don't care what they thing. i dont' know why i don't care anymore. around ellie i always feel diminished. she takes my personality kinda. its just, i feel like i can't like the same stuff as her, or do anything like her, or i feel like i'm copying her and i'm afraid people will notice and say i'm just a poser. josh said that i look like ellie cuz i'm wearing hippie skirts. and ellie's the queen of hippie skirts. and i have more hippie skirts than her. and izzy has more than me. but ellie's special cuz she has 2... but its not my fault that i hear what she listens to and like it. i guess i'm just pissed that she's the one that finds the good music/clothes/etc first. i don't know, it just irritates me.

the sad thing about manual is that i have the DM's and i compare everyone to them. there's this girl holly who's ok i guess. but she seems to needy for a friend. she also talks a lot. she's kinda ugly, which i think is why she makes herself look punk or goth or w/e she is. i'm not trying ot be mean, its just what i think..

then there's martha. i met her on the soccer team. she's latino-american. she's nice and happy and kind adn stuff. but she seems to care to much of what people think of her. but she's nice. she's just a friend tho. i coudln't be really good friends with her.

then there's steph. she's my best friend at school. she's nice and fun. the only thing is she's homophobic.. i met her a long time. when i got my physica.

i think grace is a lost cause. oh well. i'm not worried about it. i diddn't know her all too well.

mental note- bring some sort of pain medication to school

i'm starting to like a few guys. about 5 of them are ok. then there's nathan. he's cute and funny, very funny. he's a drama major. and a freshman and sits in front of me in my algebra class...yah. i want him. and he likes me i think...woot


i would write the rest of this. i wroet 6 pages of stuff during study hall yesterday. but i'm to lazy to write it. maybe i will tonight. or something.

adios