insomnia

everyone's stopped writing. it feels so weird. i wish everyone had this urge to write as much as they could.

i have the urge to write. but i can't put what i think into words. everyone knows that.

so i guess i'll just write downt the best that i can exactly what goes on in my head.

i'll do anything, i mean anything, to get out of going to school tomorrow. i don't care what i have to do. i can't go to school tomorrow. there's no way in hell i'm going. i don't care what mom says. i'm not going.

i wonder who all is awake at this time. i know andrew's still awake. i wonder how many other people are sitting in their room, listening to music, staring at their ceiling. when i stare at the ceiling a lot, it starts to move, a lot. and i talk to it. we've become good friends.

to many good things go to waste.

i'm starting to get depressed again. i hate this. this whole fucking depressed thing. i can't do a damn thing about it. it just wont' go away. i get happy for a bit, but then i get really depressed again. so very quickly.

who are my real friends (please nobody reply in a comment, i'm your real friend. it gets old, and i don't wanna hear it, but be free to comment about whatever else i decide to write about) how am i to know who is my friend and who just wants something from me. life is just that. you make alliances, aquaintences, friends, to get ahead in life. its human nature. we are destroying ourselves.

the 2 highest growing problems in americ a is insomnia, and depression. now i wonder why...there's so much stress on people these days. just think of all the kids who have to worry about getting an a on the next 4 tests the next day. i'm so glad my teachers arn't about to give tests out.

for the past couple days i've tried to be happy. i've given it a really good shot. but by the end of the day my head hurts, and all i want is to lie down and sleep, or read a book. i don't want to do any of the things i do. every day. its the same thing.

so many people are fucked up. this is going to be a tough year for me. i can tell already. its just not going to be easy. i'll be able to do it i guess. it just. this year seems harder than every other year. i just seem to not be able to be happy.

someone asked me a question today. they asked what makes me happy. the only thing that i could come up with that actually makes me happy is when someone says something really funny and i laugh. my friends, yes they make me happy, but they also make me sad. oh so very sad. same with my family. my boyfriend. everyone.

again..i don't understand how i can have a boyfriend...i'm just not going to think about it. i've been very good today. i havn't thought anything about him all day, cept when i was talking to him. its worked well.

last thing said. i don't want dion and i to end up like tony and me, or matt and me.


all my bad habits. they need to stop. every single one of them. i need to just start over. to just..become better. i want to do it all in one night. everyone tells me it won't be done. but thats how i am. when i change, i change everything right away. at once. nothing gradual. cuz then there's time to always stop and back up. back down. to be persuaded to stop. i have to do it all at once to get it done. i've lost 2 friends in the past month. but i knew it would happen. i was ready for it. i knew it wouldn't last. i lost more than that this month. but only 2 friends really. i expected it to stop. i anticipated it almost. but onto a new start. someone new. i never better understood holly than tonight. she called me at 11. she was talking to me about how she wants to meet a guy that doesnt' know her, doesn't know her history. doesn't know anything about her. a fresh start. i know completely what she means. to be the new person. to make your own way. not be known for past things. not to already have a label. a fresh start is what i need.

wanna know a couple things i've been thinking about lately.

-homeschooling
-breast reduction
-of course...dion/dating/boyfriends/love/fighting/crap like that
-friends
-depression
-food

all that good stuff.
they all keep crossing my mind at random times. i get mad at myself for each one of them..

i'm starting this thing cognitive therapy. look it up.

i love my mom. she's my mom. i can't help but love her.

i love my dad. i don't like my dad. but i love him nontheless.

same with andrew. cept. i cringe whenever he hugs me. i'm just not used to him yet.

weird kid.


i think my new november is going to be either waggner boy, nathan, or someone completely random.

the new code word for buying crack is: i'm off to go buy cheese from the mexicans.








starting over is the best thing. i want to start over. there'd be so many different things i'd do if i had the chance.

my guilt is gone from one thing. but problems are still there...


i can't break up with him. i don't want that hurt. but i hate where we are right now. but i guess i have to live through it. it makes me want to cry not being with him. maybe we have our little bumps because we're alike and different in really weird ways.





all for now


g'night

lizzie