ellie n liz

liz : ellie
liz : why are u mad at me?
ellie miller: yes?
ellie miller: because i feel like i have to compete with matt for you
liz : oh
liz : i'm learning how to compramise time and stuff
liz : its hard
liz : i'm only 14 remember
liz : please don't be mad at me
liz : i love you
ellie miller: and you said that you cared about me more than him that one time and then you go and never defend me when hes around and uhgh
liz : i'm sowwy
liz : i really am
ellie miller: it pisses me
ellie miller: off
liz : i'm getting pulled in so many different ways. i don't mean to neglect you. i'm so sorry
ellie miller: i start to ahte matt because i feel like hes taking you away from me and eh doesn't ge tit
ellie miller: hwo youd ratehyr spend time with him than me
liz : i'm sorry. i really am
liz : liz : i had a moment. sarah's mad at me again because iwont go to her house tomorrow...er today. fri. w/e. and she's mad at me cuz i'm spending the day with matt instead because i wont get to see him for a month. and i'll see her on sat. and i'm gong to nc with her for a couple days. so i don't see why she's making a big deal about it. and ellie's mad at me i think. and i just can't take it. i started crying. so instead of crying i ran. yeah. ellie's mad at me. gah. and i want to just cancel the thing with matt. and go with ellie and sarah to sarah's house. but i'm afraid matt will be so mad at me.. and its the last time i'll see him for a month. and i just don't know what to do.
liz : thats what i wrote to cory
ellie miller: i know you want to be with matt, but then you invite me and i feel like you dragged me along as an obligation adn it makes me feel so fuckin alone and im the thrid wheel and you always spend so much more time with him and then this... shti happens to me and i try to get you to help me but you don't understand my point of view
liz : i do understand ur point of view. very well
liz : have u read my livejournal?
ellie miller: but you argue with me and tell me to try anyway but i don't want to but i do at the same time and you are pushing me and i cant take all these people, why can't thigns just be simple again and whyt eh hell am i fucking crying SHIT
liz : darling. if you don't want my advice. why do you ask me? im trying to help you. as i told you before. i try to make things better. and i end up screwing them up. and i'm so sorry. i can understand why u don't want to get into a relationship. i know how u feel perfectly. but i really think that he won't hurt you. but he will. i can't lie. he will sometime hurt you. not on purpose though. it might not be for a year. but he probably will. but i think its worth it. maybe you and i have differnet ideas on that. i think its worth it. i think that the good memories in the long run, are much better than the bad ones. but maybe you only see the bad parts
ellie miller: when i want your advie, i expect thign that will make me feel better, things that will protect me form myself, things that wont make me cry.
ellie miller: like now
liz : i never promised you that.
liz : but i will comfort you
liz : and i only want you to be happy
liz : i don't want to hurt you
ellie miller: but thats what i want. i want to be happy, i don't want ot hurt, even if it means not loving. i want to shine again, not hide. i want it all to go back
liz : and i think that you will be happier if you don't dwell on ur hurt. if you give mack a chance. i think he'll make you shine
ellie miller: i'm so confused when i'm around him. i know he loves me, and he treats me like i want to be treated but i don't know if i could love himback, and i would hurt him, and i'm so sick of all this hurting and this summer is just shit. if i were to go out with mack, i know i would fall in love, and sure, id be happy for a few days or weeks or whatever. but then one day, id be looking through my pictues or notes or notebook, and id remember the chaos the love was born from, and it would tear me up
liz : do u want to not have emotion?
liz : cuz thats what it seems like
ellie miller: because it hurts
ellie miller: everyday
ellie miller: it just hurts
liz : we have diff view on this. i don't mind the hurt. i don't like it. but i think its a part of life. you go through it your whole life. either u tough it out and still go fall in love. or you shy away from it and live a life in fear of hurting. which makes you hurt more because you dwell on what you fear
ellie miller: i fall asleep crying some times, adn some times, i wake up and cry some more. i cry in the middle of the day. i'm so sick of hurting liz. WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME? WHY DID THEY MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY AND TORTURE ME?
liz : they don't mean to. nobody means to hurt someone this way.
liz : its ok to cry. its ok to feel the pain. its part of what makes you human. but there's a period of mourning for a lost love, and then you have to get over it and move on with your life. its a lot like a death. except the person is still there..
ellie miller: I'm trying to get over everything, but it's not working. Ill be sitting there, and all of a sudden, ill start thinking, "What did shrimp do with one of those girls on the cruise? did he kiss her, did he hold their hand, did he whisper into her ear that he loved her, did he touch her? where did he touch her? HOW did he touch her? does he still remember me?
ellie miller: does he hurt AT ALL?"
liz : guys are a lot different. even if they do hurt. they won't show it.
ellie miller: and then i know that ill never be loved the same way again
liz : they wont tell people
ellie miller: and it kills me
ellie miller: because i loved the way i was loved
liz : every love is different
ellie miller: i know.. i know, liz. but to me, that was the way i want to be loved, but it wont ever happen again. ever...
liz : i know dear. im sorry. but you will find someone new
liz : someone who will love you better
ellie miller: liz.. i don't think there was a better love than that. he loved me before i loved him
liz : ...
liz : but he broke ur heart
liz : the best love loves you unconditionally and will not leave you
liz : for anything
ellie miller: i know. i know he broke my heart. but i want it tobe fixed before i give it away again
liz : i can understand that
liz : can you tell mack that tho?
liz : could he just be a good friend who comforts you?
ellie miller: i try, but then he gets all sad
liz : he can't help but love you
liz : but he loves you enough that i think he wants the best for you
ellie miller: he wants more than that, liz, he wants so much from me.. so much more than what i'm willing to give
ellie miller: so much more than what i have of myself
liz : now i think ur exaggerating a little bit
liz : you have a full heart
ellie miller: it doesn't feel like it
liz : its just been used. so you need time to replenish it before it shows again
ellie miller: i don't think hes willing to wait, and when i'm around him, i can tell, and i feel like im goin to be swept up, and its exciting and amazing but i know i can't
ellie miller: i just can't
liz : thank you
liz : now i know everything..see i wasn't getting the whole story
liz : ok now that i know more about the whole thing. u really arn't ready for a new love yet. cuz he will let you down. and you'll crash
ellie miller: i've already crashed liz.
ellie miller: crashed and burned
liz : you'll recooperate
liz : just give it time
liz : it takes some people longer than others
ellie miller: with scars. ill heal with scars. i'm not as tough as i once was
liz : i envy you
liz : even though you may hate it. you feel all these emotions
liz : and i can only taste them
ellie miller: one taste, liz, and you die. you never get back up
liz : i only get a little bit of it. you actually are washed up in the feelings
liz : i can see what you have. i can catch a glimpse of it. but i have put up a wall from the feelings cuz i'm scared. and i don't want that wall. i want to feel it. but every time i get close enough to feel it i get scared and make the wall higher
ellie miller: what I have? WHAT I HAVE? i have tears, i have scratches and scars, and, and blood. i kill people, i kill myself, i kill the words i write and the songs i sing and i stab at everything that is beautiful. i burn, i cry, i die
ellie miller: thats all it is
ellie miller: thats all its ever been
liz : but you still feel it. you dont' know what its like to be a statue on the side.
liz : to just watch everyone else be able to love and live and cry and feel.
ellie miller: but you don't know what its like to die
ellie miller's status is now "outside". (6/24/2005 3:49 AM)

liz : i don't know whats its like to live