my weekend thing

Ok...well. sunday i spent the day with cory. mon i spent the day being bitchy and talking to people online because my dad woke me up at 8. then i went ot sarah's around 6 or so. and we stayed up til 1 talking. like old times. it was quite fun.

today.

This morning sarah woke me up around 11. first thing out of my mouth was chocolate. i really wanted something with chocolate. so we had chocolate cake and leftover chicken for breakfast. then we went over to gam's house and called sam and asked him to hang out around 2. i took a shower. then amy took us to emery's (ice cream place downtown corydon) and surprisingly cory was there... it was odd. i kinda got wierded out for a moment. like my stomache went wierd. i think it was more because i panicked cuz amy looked at me like.. oooh cory's there. ur lover. blady blah blah... i might be giving off the image that i'm in love with him or something..who knows. I dont like him like him. my first thought of him was wow. he's awesome. he's the starlight of this place. (i was in a grungy little tavern for a concert...yeah) and he stood out. i wanted him. i just picked him out of the crowd of someone i wanted. i'm not sure if i ever sexually wanted him. i just knew i had to have him. as mine. don't ask how my mind works. and so ever since that i've wanted his approval. i've always liked him in a way that he's so awesome i have to have him as someone to be friends with. a best friend. i needed him. it was completly unconscience. and so when i want something like that. (i felt the same way with izzy and ellie and jake, and issy, and sarah...although its not as clear in my mine...memory problems) so since 'im liz. i had to have him. so i got him. and now i feel guily cuz izzy likes him. and i'm just better friends with him. because i'm a people person and i just make friends easily. but i'm only his friend. i just really want to be a good friend with him. i don't mean to be obsessive or anything. sarah is his groupie. ellie is THE ellie. and izzy is his crush. so i guess i'm his best friend. but i don't know what he thinks of me. i need to find out. cuz if he sees me as soom annoying freshman who he can't get rid of. i'm outta here. i don't beg. i hope... so i need sarah to find out what he thinks of me. cuz i'm afraid he's lie ot me if he felt sorry for me. if he thought i was just some lonely girl. who knows what he thinks of me. i just want to find out. cuz i think of him as a friend, but i'd like to be really good friends with him. someone to talk to. i ono. i just had to get that all out of my head.


the thing with matt. i wrote him a letter. i guess since i've shown it to a lot of people already, i should post it on here. here it is:

hey. i made this email address for you because i didn't feel like posting on blogs and some days i just want to write you a letter. maybe habit from school. i don't know. I was up really late last night. my dad turned on the alarm while i was downstairs so i had to run to get upstairs before i got locked down here. But when i went upstairs and my dad went to bed. i was crying. i was so lost. i kept wondering around my house sobbing. and i went out onto the roof and layed for about an hour. i was so lonely and lost. i couldn't figure out why i broke up with you. i cant remember my reasoning. I started reading this book I hate you - Don't leave me. about borderline disorders. its describes a lot of traits of me. so that consoled me for a while. but now i'm thinking i don't really have a disorder. not yet. i just get very confused about my identity. so i try to play new roles. and i constantly think i'm 'faking it' and i feel like i'm cheating you out of something. so maybe it was real love, i don't know. but i'm pretty sure i've never cried as much for someone as i have for you. I think i do love you. but i am going to take a break for a while. i think it might be good for my mental health. i just can't see me being without you.
i think i need love and comfort which you've been giving me. but talking about the future scares me. it makes me want to run away. Also i feel that i was spending to much time with you and i was neglecting my time with my friends and stuff. so thats kinda my fault. i was so worried about making you happy by being with you the whole time, i was seriously neglecting ellie and sarah. thats the reason i didn't go to the movies with you on fri. I really do love you i think. i just need some time to figure out my identity. and i need time to regain my friendship with ellie and sarah. but i would like to keep you as a boyfriend, but also do that. i'm just not sure if that's possible. so maybe i said i broke up with you, but i was thinking i just need a break, i don't want to say its over, i just want some time to be independant. so if we could do that... it would be great. but maybe i'm asking to much. or focusing to much on me. i don't mean to. but thats what i've been thinking. i'm writing it down the best i can. ellie's a much better writer than me. but i've figured out, you still love me even though i'm messed up, and stupid, and i make mistakes, and i'm just not a perfect person. u still tolerate me. which is amazing in itself. i just have days like that. where i completely lose a sense of identity and i feel that its because of something. but that was the first time i did anything about it. cuz i talked to ellie about it. its not her fault. she just helped me figure out stuff.
i don't know if i want to try it again. you might just have to live with someone who changes her mind a lot. i'm not good at making decisions. i'm not good at understanding myself. but i'm not good at listening to other people. i might just be a contradiction in words. or just lost. but i think i love you still. and i want you to know that we can work it out.

liz


so thats it. i think it was good of me to take a break from him. i just wish i could've said i just wanted a break. i don't want ot break up with him for good. i don't think i ever did. but i took drastic measures. i just need a break to find myself and to figure out what i want. its summer. i can do this. i don't need ot be tied down. i've been trying not to think of him. i cried so much sunday night. for 3 hours straight. it felt so good/bad to cry. i was sobbing. more than i cried for tony. i was so helpless. i kept wandering (running) around my house looking for some consolance, and i cuoldn't find one. i couldn't get to a phone, or a computer. all i had was my music. so i sat out on the roof. it was so horrible. i was so lost and confused. i just needed to get out. which is why that day (sunday) i rode along with cory everywhere for about 4 hours because i needed to get away from being alone. from myself. if i let myself be alone for 6 hours, i would've been very destructive. i would've ended up doing something stupid. i don't know what. i just couldn't believe i was such an idiot. so i needed to not think about it. but now i wish i would've talked to matt more. to figure out some understanding between us. i hate that we had to stop talking that night. i hate that i was forced to get off. but i did get to say i loved him. it made me so sad. thats probably why i cried so much. i'm not going to see him for 4 weeks. at least. its a very long time. i feel horrible.


lots of love,
liz