The fucking story of my life

I think i'm pregnant. i almost texted cedric about it. but i just don't think i can tell him until i know for sure, specially since i had to tell him not even a year ago i was pregnant. This is some bullshit. i don't need to be pregnant right now. or do i.... i don't kno. i really regret gettting my abortion. but i know that it was the right choice and that i'm too young. but i also know the pain of having an abortion, and i know that i can't go through that again. which is why cedric and i decided to stop having sex goddamit! i hate writing to myself. i'm fuckign telling myself stuff i already know. theres no point unless its for someone. i should be writing my autobiography. damn.....i fail.

2 years later

I've become a woman.

i've gotten pregnant. i've had to make a decision. i've moved past that point in my life. I am not helpless.....

i think i was more something back when i wrote on this. I should change the name to i am not me.

theres no time to think of the past.

I HAVE FUCKING SCABIES!!!! mother fucker. i fucking hate these things. if theres something i really feel strongly about anymore its about these little fuckers. they itch sooooo bad.

I don't know wat to write as usual so as usual i'll probably write a fucking essay about nonsense. maybe i'll do so later. for now i have to do my reading for science and stress over everthing thats due and how i don't have enough time instead of actually doing it. yay

ARGH

i can't believe it took me like 5 fucking weeks to figure out my password and stuff...i feel soo retarded.

i havn't written on here since feb. of 2006. thats a long ass time.

insomnia

everyone's stopped writing. it feels so weird. i wish everyone had this urge to write as much as they could.

i have the urge to write. but i can't put what i think into words. everyone knows that.

so i guess i'll just write downt the best that i can exactly what goes on in my head.

i'll do anything, i mean anything, to get out of going to school tomorrow. i don't care what i have to do. i can't go to school tomorrow. there's no way in hell i'm going. i don't care what mom says. i'm not going.

i wonder who all is awake at this time. i know andrew's still awake. i wonder how many other people are sitting in their room, listening to music, staring at their ceiling. when i stare at the ceiling a lot, it starts to move, a lot. and i talk to it. we've become good friends.

to many good things go to waste.

i'm starting to get depressed again. i hate this. this whole fucking depressed thing. i can't do a damn thing about it. it just wont' go away. i get happy for a bit, but then i get really depressed again. so very quickly.

who are my real friends (please nobody reply in a comment, i'm your real friend. it gets old, and i don't wanna hear it, but be free to comment about whatever else i decide to write about) how am i to know who is my friend and who just wants something from me. life is just that. you make alliances, aquaintences, friends, to get ahead in life. its human nature. we are destroying ourselves.

the 2 highest growing problems in americ a is insomnia, and depression. now i wonder why...there's so much stress on people these days. just think of all the kids who have to worry about getting an a on the next 4 tests the next day. i'm so glad my teachers arn't about to give tests out.

for the past couple days i've tried to be happy. i've given it a really good shot. but by the end of the day my head hurts, and all i want is to lie down and sleep, or read a book. i don't want to do any of the things i do. every day. its the same thing.

so many people are fucked up. this is going to be a tough year for me. i can tell already. its just not going to be easy. i'll be able to do it i guess. it just. this year seems harder than every other year. i just seem to not be able to be happy.

someone asked me a question today. they asked what makes me happy. the only thing that i could come up with that actually makes me happy is when someone says something really funny and i laugh. my friends, yes they make me happy, but they also make me sad. oh so very sad. same with my family. my boyfriend. everyone.

again..i don't understand how i can have a boyfriend...i'm just not going to think about it. i've been very good today. i havn't thought anything about him all day, cept when i was talking to him. its worked well.

last thing said. i don't want dion and i to end up like tony and me, or matt and me.


all my bad habits. they need to stop. every single one of them. i need to just start over. to just..become better. i want to do it all in one night. everyone tells me it won't be done. but thats how i am. when i change, i change everything right away. at once. nothing gradual. cuz then there's time to always stop and back up. back down. to be persuaded to stop. i have to do it all at once to get it done. i've lost 2 friends in the past month. but i knew it would happen. i was ready for it. i knew it wouldn't last. i lost more than that this month. but only 2 friends really. i expected it to stop. i anticipated it almost. but onto a new start. someone new. i never better understood holly than tonight. she called me at 11. she was talking to me about how she wants to meet a guy that doesnt' know her, doesn't know her history. doesn't know anything about her. a fresh start. i know completely what she means. to be the new person. to make your own way. not be known for past things. not to already have a label. a fresh start is what i need.

wanna know a couple things i've been thinking about lately.

-homeschooling
-breast reduction
-of course...dion/dating/boyfriends/love/fighting/crap like that
-friends
-depression
-food

all that good stuff.
they all keep crossing my mind at random times. i get mad at myself for each one of them..

i'm starting this thing cognitive therapy. look it up.

i love my mom. she's my mom. i can't help but love her.

i love my dad. i don't like my dad. but i love him nontheless.

same with andrew. cept. i cringe whenever he hugs me. i'm just not used to him yet.

weird kid.


i think my new november is going to be either waggner boy, nathan, or someone completely random.

the new code word for buying crack is: i'm off to go buy cheese from the mexicans.








starting over is the best thing. i want to start over. there'd be so many different things i'd do if i had the chance.

my guilt is gone from one thing. but problems are still there...


i can't break up with him. i don't want that hurt. but i hate where we are right now. but i guess i have to live through it. it makes me want to cry not being with him. maybe we have our little bumps because we're alike and different in really weird ways.





all for now


g'night

lizzie

shopping from hell

i hate shopping in malls. i always convince myself otherwise until i go there. all the people. all the noise. unless its with my friends...then its not as bad. but still bad. so many people look at me, talk about me. i hate it. my mom always thinks that when we go christmas shopping we're buying for her. so she buys twice as much for herself than she does for other people...

i finally bought izzy and dion and mari gifts. it took me a while...all i can think of to get sarah is the book. i hope you don't mind.

i don't feel like typing right now. or writing. or doing anything. i need to relax and just lay here. do nothing...

that would be nice,
liz

new years early list..i'll forget if i don't do this now

1. Was 2005 a good year for you? no...well. some parts were good. but overall...i've had better

2. What was your favorite moment of the year? my brithday. when it was the 4 of us and izzy fell for grapes

3. What was your least favorite moment of the year? one of the days in january...the one day with the tree and the song 'free'

4. Where were you when 2005 began? babysitting

5. Who were you with? 2 little kids across the street.

6. Where will you be when 2005 ends? hopefully at dion's house..

7. Who will you be with when 2005 ends? hopefully with dion and maybe chrissy

8. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? umm...probly not..

9. Do you have a new years resolution for 2006? Nope

10. Did you fall in love in 2005? out, and in, and out, and in

11. If yes, with who? if you don't know then stop reading this now

12. If yes, do they know? yes...

13. You regret it?? yes, no/yes , no

14. Did you breakup with anyone in 2005? yep. happiness

15. Did you make any new friends in 2005? mmhm...kota, jess, alex, alyssa, mark, nathan, d&p people, nick, amber (maybe?), dion, cory i guess.., chrissy, lots of other ppl...big year for me

16. Who are your favorite new friends? i don't have favorites

17. What was your favorite month of 2005? probly august or november

18. Did you travel outside of the US in 2005? ummm...maybe...i was close to canada...

19. How many different states did you travel to in 2005? flew to north carolina, drove to minnesota, canoed through canada, drove to indianapolis.

20. Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? anyone die? no..lost. yes

21. Did you miss anybody in the past year? yes...

22. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? mr and mrs smith

23. What was your favorite song from 2005? no idea...

24. What was your favorite CD from 2005? crossfade probly

25. How many concerts did you see in 2005? a couple...3 maybe?

26. Did you have a favorite concert in 2005? crossfade

27. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005? erm...no comment

28. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? no

39. How many people did you sleep with in 2005? sleep? erm...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,...maybe? the way u think tho, 2.

30. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? ashamed...probly. regret. nope

31. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? you're only going out with dion cuz his name sounds like tion...

32. Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? probly

33. Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? yes

34. How much money did you spend in 2005? enough

35. What was your proudest moment of 2005? winning the VMA's...

36. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? don't wanna talk about it

37. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be? nothing

38. What are your plans for 2006? be happy

i havn't posted in a long time. it doesn't feel like it tho. whatever.

i went completely psycho last night. i was really really hyper. and fake happy. but then i took a shower and i got really sad. then i watched a movie. i cried. but only when she was buying drugs and the guy took them from her and threw them down and started yelling at her. don't know why. the whole angel dying thing didn't affect me too much. i mean, i felt sorry, but it wasn't as bad as some other parts for me. i don't know..i can't watch movies where people die cuz i know they arn't really dead. they're off stage watching the thing...

i keep feeling like i'm cheating on dion. but i'm not. and i keep feeling like he's cheating on me. and i don't think he would. a part of me knows that he loves me compeltely, but the other part tells me that he doesn't. i don't know what to think.
i can't be friends with guys anymore. they always think i like them if i just talk to them. only about 3 guys respect me and dont' do anything to me. all the other ones always try something. i hate it. and it makes me feel bad. like its my fault. its all happening again.


mer

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

i'll stop before i get carpol tunnel

i'm afraid to sleep now. for the past three nights i've had bad dreams. i woke up at 4 30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. i had 4 hrs of sleep. the first night i don't remember what happened. the second i was locked in my basement and i was chased by nazi-like people. last night. sarah ellie and i were walking on grinstead and a man with long dark hair pulled up in a car and had a knife. sarah ran away and hid. ellie faced him down and said that he looked more like a killer than a raper. so he took us with him to a house. the 24th apartment on 24th street and a bunch of other 24's. he raped us. and he was about to kill us. and i woke up. then i sat in my bed for 20 min thinking how if that were to happen that i would defend myself and what would work and what would get me killed faster. blady blah blah.

it was still freaky. now i'm afraid to go to my bus stop.
i'm afraid to sleep
i'm afraid to be by myself.

lots of bad things have happened the past couple days. weeks. months. i'm a fucking angsty teen. this grrrr...

dion's not helping

mer