confessions
i have a few confessions to make. i feel bad not telling people. i cut myself. and i used to cut myself. ever since wintertime i have. and i don't know why i do it. i'm not sure if i want the rush of it. or if i don't feel good enough not to. or if i want something to blame my life on. same with my eating thing. i'm on the verge of an eating disorder. i don't eat some days, and i eat a lot other days. i want to be anorexic. i have since i was about 12 and i figured out what it was. i've always been fascinated with it. and i want to so bad have one. i've always wanted to have something wrong with me. i want something to blame myself on. but i don't want your sympathy. or maybe i do. i don't know what i want anymore.
thats my confession
thats my confession
posted by eve at 1:55 AM
3 Comments:
Lizzie...
you know how I feel on both these topics. Now maybe I know why you understand me when I do these things. The Beauty of anorexia, and the release of Self-Injury. You know why I run so hard, even when I feel the pain in my chest spreading and I can't breathe. I guess you've known how I felt all along, but never told me. Last night I started thinking about stuff... about my mentality. I realized that as a child of a depressed past pot smoker (Mom) and a boderline depressed person (Dad), that alot of this stuff wasn't really my fault: I was born fucked up in the head.
But now I'm thinking:
What the hell? It's not Mom and Dad's fault. I've done all this to myself.
Maybe you'll have better luck.
i have known how u feel. i don't run as much as you, but i play soccer. and i get the same feeling. if u just exert yourself just a little bit more, it'll all go away. my parents are both intelligent and good and stuff, and i'm still fucked up. i don't think its parents. the beauty of anorexia...yeah. its terrible but wonderful. its like i can control myslef. if i can just not eat one more day, i have more power over myself. i don't know how else to explain it.
How about the beauty of controlling yourself to NOT injure yourself? Getting "normal", under your own terms (without being destructive) is GREAT CONTROL. Try that. Most adults can't control themselves to be normal.
If you can't stop being destructive, please seek professional help. Life is so great - worth living for.
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